to run, and to keep running.

15.04.17

every single time i get afraid of my own feelings, i run away from it.

every single time i encounter a problem with how my life is going, i run away from it.

every single time i get angry or upset at someone, i run away from it.

 

i shun people away, push them out of my life. all the time. because i fear so much about what they would do to me. to hurt me.

i hate confrontation. i hate putting it out there if something irks me, or makes me feel some sort of way. be it a positive or negative emotion, i hide from it.

it’s as good as disregarding my feelings in totality. it’s as good as making myself a robot, numbing the reasons that make me human.

i don’t know why i’m like this, why i’m such a painful mess. maybe it was the heartbreak, or the disappointment, or the never-ending mounts of expectations that i could never reach. or maybe it was just me – the inadequacy, the ‘not-good-enough’, the part thereof.

i need to stop running. i need to catch my breath. to breathe and see the good again. but then, easier said than done. it has gotten to a point where i am scared of being happy, sad, angry…or anything even. the only thing i don’t fear is being numb. it’s like a safe haven, because when you can’t feel anything, you can’t feel pain and hurt and suffering. you’re free from those. but then, i become free of positivity too. i can’t be happy too.

and i end up running away from what makes me the most happy. like i always do.

 

nana

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i am afraid. 

16.09.16

i am afraid.

scared.

frightened.

terrified.

of you. and all that you’re doing.

and i will end up pushing you away. because i am unsure. i am uncertain. i am in doubt. i feel, no, i know, i will get hurt. or i will hurt you. and i want neither. 

so i do what i always do best. 

i run away.

hide.

cower in fear.

shut everyone out.

stop feeling.

 i am numb.


nana

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