she is me.

02.03.17

gullible.

stupid.

naive.

easy.

these were the words she repeated in her head countlessly as she lay awake in the middle of the night.

how can she believe the words he said? how can she fall for the way he behaves?

it was all a lie. a cleverly formulated lie. a manipulative game that stabbed right through her chest when she knows she’s lost.

he knew what would get to her. he knew she plays it cool. he knew she would fall if he fooled her a little more. and so he did.

he left her a broken shell. not that she wasn’t broken to begin with. but her cracks were starting to mend, piece by piece – only for him to break it all again.

but he couldn’t take away the hope from her. her hopes of him coming back once he realised what he had done.

funnily though, he knew what he did. and there was no regret on his part. coming back was a choice, a choice he rather forgo.

so she’s all alone now. damaged, deranged, delirious. fragments of her laid all over the place, just like a broken glass.

will healing ever take its place? that was only if she still wanted her heart, already full of stitches and scars and wounds that she could only blame on her part.

broken.

lost.

depressed.

worthless.

the words that simply describe her now. this girl, you see…

she is me.

 

nana

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a million sorrows.

12.11.16

ever got that feeling when you’re really upset and you can feel your heart breaking inside 

but you just sit there with tears in your eyes and just waiting for them to fall but you don’t make a sound 

and the silence is such an echo around you

then when the tears fall you just start sobbing painfully because you feel so hurt but yet you’re hating yourself 

because you know that you could’ve been better, could have at least tried to be enough 

but you’re suddenly so lost and tired of fighting for what you love since it hardly felt like you were being loved back 

and the neglect fell so hard on you that you just drop dead, giving up right there 

but deep down in your heart you know that it doesn’t have to be this way so you wanna get back up

but you don’t have the same strength anymore 

so you just stay there quietly, disappointed in yourself for being such a failure again 

and you contemplate on why you should be breathing and living when you should have just been dead.


nana

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i don’t understand.

01.11.16

 

feel nothing

i hate myself

close to dying

don’t wish for this life

if only

my thoughts could say

pretty praise

rather than disgrace

but not only

inferiority

not to forget

the ton of regret

for i trusted

and i loved

who was wrong for me

the idiocy

i’m a fool

for letting one

hurt me easily

 

and now i wish for the rain

to wash away my pain

but then again –

 

nana

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speak for the broken.

21.08.16

 

you had me at hello

lost me at goodbye

said you’ll rid my sorrows

but then you became my demise

 

you loved me one day

but then you threw me away

just because i wasn’t okay

so you didn’t want to stay

 

but that’s alright with me

it’s nothing new or unique

got left behind by plenty

with no one i could seek

 

and after all this time

i still stood by my life

if i had changed for the people

i would be bursting my own bubble

 

broken and dead inside

with no medication that could fix

tired of standing tall

now i’m on the bathroom floor

 

my cuts bleed

and my scars won’t fade

don’t need no stitches

they’ll come undone anyway

 

hysteria deep in my bones

a body where chaos reigns

no matter how hard i try

the disturbia won’t fade away

 

nana

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trapped within.

11.07.16

a spontaneous little entry written as i wait for my turn.

have you ever felt trapped and enclosed in a small, dark and sorrowful place? bright light could shine through, like a breakthrough in the darkness of the moment. but no light is ever enough to liberate the fears, extinguish the tears. waiting here, waiting now, to see what i dread…some kind of weird pain it is. having to stare at it with my hopeful orbs each time, only to hear that i have yet to recover from all those horrifying years. it’s a terrible feeling, with no way for me to express it. with no escape, no way, no path to a freedom i wish i could grasp.

it’s an unfortunate life of being trapped within these white walls of agony, sorrow, pain, anger and depression.

nana

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