about you.



i talked to God about you

about your funny, weird self.


i talked to God about you

about your awkward, shy smiles.


i talked to God about you

about your rude, mean jokes.


i talked to God about you

about your sweet, caring side.


i talked to God about you

about your adorable, lovable babbles.


i talked to God about you

about your never-ending grumbles.


i talked to God about you

about your annoying, infuriating moments.


i talked to God about you

about your ‘sorry’s and ‘not good enough’s.


i talked to God about you

about your ‘love you’s and ‘fuck you’s and ‘miss you’s.


but honestly, i talked to God about you

because God gave me you.

and i wanted God to know

i’m keeping His gift, with lots of gratitude.



yana banana —  because this is a special one for you.


P.S: happy birthday sweetheart xoxo ♥


a hundred days and more…



it isn’t impossible, but it isn’t as easy either.

it takes more work than you think it would

and it’ll drain you more than you bear.


worth it.

it will all be worth the while in the end.

trust me, for i’ve been through it

from the start till the finish line, i’ve crossed it.



probably the biggest enemy when you’re recovering.

the haunting voice and image of the whirlpool

that would suck you right back into your element of hurt and despair.


stay strong.

don’t give in, don’t give up.

trust yourself, more than the person you trust most

because you are the only one strong enough to pull yourself through your mess.



the reward of a long battle.

the fight within, when won, brings more triumph

than any other that you could ever experience in this world.



this post is dedicated to all those who suffer from the internal battles that you have to fight with every single day. you are stronger than you think you are. you can win this. even if you relapse, or go back to your old habits, never lose hope because one day, you will win the war within. always love yourself – bleeding wounds, scars and all. you are beautiful in every way and you deserve all the love there is so don’t let anyone dictate it otherwise. and when you walk down that road to recovery, trust in your decision and that you have made a choice that would be worth it.

trust me, i’ve been there. i’ve been with people who thought loving me was impossible just because i had scars on my wrist. but i’ve also been with friends who constantly support and cheer me on towards recovery. i’ve heard of all the things people could say…but even they do not realise that they have to walk down their own roads of recovery. i made my choice to not let my battles overpower me, to not let my mind be clouded with thoughts that only serve to harm me endlessly. and it’s been the reason why i’m still here now. because my choice made me stronger than i was.

each and every one of us is strong in our own ways, even with a weak heart and all. you can, and you will, win this war.

love yourself xx



[P.S: it’s been 100 days/++ of being ‘clean’ for me without any relapses, hence the title (:]


why sadness, why?


honestly i’m just so so sad and i’ve been crying so much lately.

((i’m crying as i write this tbh)) and i don’t even know why but i’m too tired to care anymore so might as well let my tears fall freely. let my heart ache as much as it wills. let me drown in my sorrows.

why am i even sad?

i feel so dejected and broken and just inadequate.

i’ve been feeling so fucking insecure for a very long time, but it’s getting really worse day by day now and i can just feel it so strongly.

maybe i’m just not good enough for this world.

i’m so tired, so moody, so angst. in front of everyone, i smile like everything’s fine, i laugh like i mean it and i just, hide everything. hold it all together, right? but today was just horrible. it’s just so bad like i can’t even explain why i feel so fucking sad inside ((which is also why i chose to leave school v early and not stay to do any work))…

and yes i get home and just drown myself in these horrible feelings and just…wallow.

but today was not a good day at all. if i’m sad to the extent that it made me want to cut again like how i used to ((ages ago, i’ve been clean for a long while now)), it’s bad. it’s real bad. slowly shunning everyone away from me and like yeah some of you may realise that i’m pushing you away and if you just leave me tbh it’s okay, i get it.

but to those of you who could tolerate my “fuck you”s and “get the fuck away from me”s and still be there for me and ask me if i’m okay, thank you. i love you, and you’re the reason why i still bother to survive.

and honestly i feel like why i’m not recovering as fast as i should is because i’m just not mentally healthy like ok i’m not physically v sick or anything but i feel very weak inside. i feel weaker than i usually am. and here i am still with the waterworks.

i’m fucking messed up i’m so so fucking sorry for being this way 😦 i’m very sorry to like everyone tbh like i’m just really sorry i mess up all the time and is practically useless and i fuck up more than i should :'(…

i’m sorry.

  • okay i honestly thought writing this post would make me feel way better but i’m just crying even more right now and i feel like i really need someone but at the same point of time i feel like i don’t want to burden anyone with my stupid idiotic worthless self so it’s okay i’ll just continue to be sad and cry it out







to run, and to keep running.


every single time i get afraid of my own feelings, i run away from it.

every single time i encounter a problem with how my life is going, i run away from it.

every single time i get angry or upset at someone, i run away from it.


i shun people away, push them out of my life. all the time. because i fear so much about what they would do to me. to hurt me.

i hate confrontation. i hate putting it out there if something irks me, or makes me feel some sort of way. be it a positive or negative emotion, i hide from it.

it’s as good as disregarding my feelings in totality. it’s as good as making myself a robot, numbing the reasons that make me human.

i don’t know why i’m like this, why i’m such a painful mess. maybe it was the heartbreak, or the disappointment, or the never-ending mounts of expectations that i could never reach. or maybe it was just me – the inadequacy, the ‘not-good-enough’, the part thereof.

i need to stop running. i need to catch my breath. to breathe and see the good again. but then, easier said than done. it has gotten to a point where i am scared of being happy, sad, angry…or anything even. the only thing i don’t fear is being numb. it’s like a safe haven, because when you can’t feel anything, you can’t feel pain and hurt and suffering. you’re free from those. but then, i become free of positivity too. i can’t be happy too.

and i end up running away from what makes me the most happy. like i always do.




an open letter to the one i want most –


at 1916H i write this open letter to you, to express how i feel about you.

i guess i never saw it coming, least did i expected it. but then again, a friend once told me that the best things happened unexpectedly.

you are the best unexpected thing that happened to me.

i write this letter to you, to tell you how much i want you. more than just a friend, and nothing less of a lover that i will cherish with all i have.

you are the only one, the one that fills my thoughts, my dreams, my everyday yearnings and beams.

i write this letter to you, to say it out loud why i want you. because you make me smile and laugh, you make me see life’s beauty and you are the reason i have hope. 

you became the very reason why i wanted to breathe happily again.

i write this letter to you, to remind you that i’ve always loved you. from a mere acquaintance to a friend, my love just grew deeper even if i’ve always played it cool on the surface of my facade.

you’re very blind to not have seen, how much love and effort i’m pouring in.

i write this letter to you, to assure that it’s perfectly okay if i’m not the one you choose. i won’t hold anything against you, and my love will forever run deep and true for you. i will wait, because forever isn’t far away when it’s for you.

you can choose any other flower now, but please don’t take more than forever to be mine.

i write this letter to you, to find out if you feel the same about me. i want to know so badly if there were any feelings from your part. i just want the truth.

you can say no, i won’t blame you. you can say no, i will take it and we can part in peace. or stay friends at least.

so i complete this letter at 1935H, with a finishing note – 
i will always love you.



she is me.






these were the words she repeated in her head countlessly as she lay awake in the middle of the night.

how can she believe the words he said? how can she fall for the way he behaves?

it was all a lie. a cleverly formulated lie. a manipulative game that stabbed right through her chest when she knows she’s lost.

he knew what would get to her. he knew she plays it cool. he knew she would fall if he fooled her a little more. and so he did.

he left her a broken shell. not that she wasn’t broken to begin with. but her cracks were starting to mend, piece by piece – only for him to break it all again.

but he couldn’t take away the hope from her. her hopes of him coming back once he realised what he had done.

funnily though, he knew what he did. and there was no regret on his part. coming back was a choice, a choice he rather forgo.

so she’s all alone now. damaged, deranged, delirious. fragments of her laid all over the place, just like a broken glass.

will healing ever take its place? that was only if she still wanted her heart, already full of stitches and scars and wounds that she could only blame on her part.





the words that simply describe her now. this girl, you see…

she is me.




if only.


if only you knew

that i have a thousand words to say to you

and a million words couldn’t describe 

the way i still feel about you

if only you knew

how long i’ve waited

and how i’m still stuck between

patience and goodbye

if only you knew

i had never once felt this way

but you came through 

and made me go all sorts of astray

if only you knew

i am not one to give up

but things change 

and i lost all hope

if only you knew

how much i didn’t want to give up on you

but what chances do we have 

when we’re born two people worlds apart ?