to run, and to keep running.


every single time i get afraid of my own feelings, i run away from it.

every single time i encounter a problem with how my life is going, i run away from it.

every single time i get angry or upset at someone, i run away from it.


i shun people away, push them out of my life. all the time. because i fear so much about what they would do to me. to hurt me.

i hate confrontation. i hate putting it out there if something irks me, or makes me feel some sort of way. be it a positive or negative emotion, i hide from it.

it’s as good as disregarding my feelings in totality. it’s as good as making myself a robot, numbing the reasons that make me human.

i don’t know why i’m like this, why i’m such a painful mess. maybe it was the heartbreak, or the disappointment, or the never-ending mounts of expectations that i could never reach. or maybe it was just me – the inadequacy, the ‘not-good-enough’, the part thereof.

i need to stop running. i need to catch my breath. to breathe and see the good again. but then, easier said than done. it has gotten to a point where i am scared of being happy, sad, angry…or anything even. the only thing i don’t fear is being numb. it’s like a safe haven, because when you can’t feel anything, you can’t feel pain and hurt and suffering. you’re free from those. but then, i become free of positivity too. i can’t be happy too.

and i end up running away from what makes me the most happy. like i always do.




an open letter to the one i want most –


at 1916H i write this open letter to you, to express how i feel about you.

i guess i never saw it coming, least did i expected it. but then again, a friend once told me that the best things happened unexpectedly.

you are the best unexpected thing that happened to me.

i write this letter to you, to tell you how much i want you. more than just a friend, and nothing less of a lover that i will cherish with all i have.

you are the only one, the one that fills my thoughts, my dreams, my everyday yearnings and beams.

i write this letter to you, to say it out loud why i want you. because you make me smile and laugh, you make me see life’s beauty and you are the reason i have hope. 

you became the very reason why i wanted to breathe happily again.

i write this letter to you, to remind you that i’ve always loved you. from a mere acquaintance to a friend, my love just grew deeper even if i’ve always played it cool on the surface of my facade.

you’re very blind to not have seen, how much love and effort i’m pouring in.

i write this letter to you, to assure that it’s perfectly okay if i’m not the one you choose. i won’t hold anything against you, and my love will forever run deep and true for you. i will wait, because forever isn’t far away when it’s for you.

you can choose any other flower now, but please don’t take more than forever to be mine.

i write this letter to you, to find out if you feel the same about me. i want to know so badly if there were any feelings from your part. i just want the truth.

you can say no, i won’t blame you. you can say no, i will take it and we can part in peace. or stay friends at least.

so i complete this letter at 1935H, with a finishing note – 
i will always love you.



she is me.






these were the words she repeated in her head countlessly as she lay awake in the middle of the night.

how can she believe the words he said? how can she fall for the way he behaves?

it was all a lie. a cleverly formulated lie. a manipulative game that stabbed right through her chest when she knows she’s lost.

he knew what would get to her. he knew she plays it cool. he knew she would fall if he fooled her a little more. and so he did.

he left her a broken shell. not that she wasn’t broken to begin with. but her cracks were starting to mend, piece by piece – only for him to break it all again.

but he couldn’t take away the hope from her. her hopes of him coming back once he realised what he had done.

funnily though, he knew what he did. and there was no regret on his part. coming back was a choice, a choice he rather forgo.

so she’s all alone now. damaged, deranged, delirious. fragments of her laid all over the place, just like a broken glass.

will healing ever take its place? that was only if she still wanted her heart, already full of stitches and scars and wounds that she could only blame on her part.





the words that simply describe her now. this girl, you see…

she is me.




if only.


if only you knew

that i have a thousand words to say to you

and a million words couldn’t describe 

the way i still feel about you

if only you knew

how long i’ve waited

and how i’m still stuck between

patience and goodbye

if only you knew

i had never once felt this way

but you came through 

and made me go all sorts of astray

if only you knew

i am not one to give up

but things change 

and i lost all hope

if only you knew

how much i didn’t want to give up on you

but what chances do we have 

when we’re born two people worlds apart ?



dear little girl,


dear little girl,

don’t fall for his looks

don’t play by his books

dear little girl,

listen to your mama

save yourself from the drama

dear little girl,

let him bask in his lies 

dry your tired crying eyes

dear little girl,

never lower your worth

even when driven to the edge of this earth

dear little girl, 

just like burning light

only for how long can you fight

dear little girl,

keep faith close to your heart 

don’t let demons destroy your art.



how, why?


i should be studying

or brushing up on my report.

keyword: should.

but here i am writing away about you.

it’s only the beginning of 2017, how dare you drain out on me so soon?

how dare you let me walk into a new year thinking that i had everything i ever needed with me?

how could you make me believe and trust in the fact that all that is dragging me down has been left behind in my past?

how could you give me so much hope and suddenly decide that i was undeserving and you slowly take it all away from me, again, how could you?


where do i go in such a place where misery sits in every edge and corner, every nook and cranny? do you actually expect me to survive here all alone?

why do you have to do this to me?

tell me why, life, tell me.




hurricane at bay.


~ it’s literally the perfect weather to be writing about her as her mind wanders into a state of self-reflecting, and hopefully not any self-loathing for today ~

she was bright, bubbly, jovial, positive…all things nice that her world could have ever been. her drive was strong, her need to do good was there and she felt amazing most of the time.

but one day she turned fourteen, and her emotional turmoil all began. sometimes she was sour, maybe even bitter…and other times, she was just fine.

but most of the time, she was misunderstood.

so she went from speaking her mind about everything, to hushing down her opinions for anything. she learnt that sometimes in this world, there was just no place to feel at all.

and sadly, she was perfectly okay with that, even though deep down it hurt her so bad.

when she was fifteen, loneliness became her best friend. being alone was something she was accustomed to, something she’s been living with for a while now.

she never expected much…in fact, she expected nothing at all. though her heart yearned for a companion that would make her stop drawing pretty red lines on herself. a companion that could understand her through and through.

few months into fifteen and someone came along. she thought he was it, the one, the one she needed and she gave him her all.

but boy, was she so very very very wrong. he wanted to fix her like a broken toy, yet he didn’t bother to know her foundations at all. but with him she saw the light of day occasionally…with him, she felt happiness, though not eternally.

then came the year she was turning sixteen and her only wish was for the one to stay true. but as we all know, every wish is a dream, and hers was a dream untrue.

he left. or maybe she left. but she was driven to the edge of leaving. she couldn’t take the pretense, and all the pain that came with acting like someone she wasn’t. he couldn’t understand her. she wasn’t enough for him. never enough, at all.

an awkward seventeen…stuck between waiting and forgetting. she couldn’t decide if she wanted to let go…or hold on to the diminishing hope.

he didn’t bother so neither did her. now she seeks closure and alone she shall find it for her. she basks in solitude, treats personal space with plenty of gratitude. but in the end, her loneliness still screams, consuming her it seems.

now she awaits eighteen, with hope and dreams.

but everyone doesn’t seem to fit, doesn’t seem to make her beam. as in her eyes, love was for soft rains, but she was one hell of a hurricane.

a storm undeserving of any love.