why sadness, why?

09.05.17

honestly i’m just so so sad and i’ve been crying so much lately.

((i’m crying as i write this tbh)) and i don’t even know why but i’m too tired to care anymore so might as well let my tears fall freely. let my heart ache as much as it wills. let me drown in my sorrows.

why am i even sad?

i feel so dejected and broken and just inadequate.

i’ve been feeling so fucking insecure for a very long time, but it’s getting really worse day by day now and i can just feel it so strongly.

maybe i’m just not good enough for this world.

i’m so tired, so moody, so angst. in front of everyone, i smile like everything’s fine, i laugh like i mean it and i just, hide everything. hold it all together, right? but today was just horrible. it’s just so bad like i can’t even explain why i feel so fucking sad inside ((which is also why i chose to leave school v early and not stay to do any work))…

and yes i get home and just drown myself in these horrible feelings and just…wallow.

but today was not a good day at all. if i’m sad to the extent that it made me want to cut again like how i used to ((ages ago, i’ve been clean for a long while now)), it’s bad. it’s real bad. slowly shunning everyone away from me and like yeah some of you may realise that i’m pushing you away and if you just leave me tbh it’s okay, i get it.

but to those of you who could tolerate my “fuck you”s and “get the fuck away from me”s and still be there for me and ask me if i’m okay, thank you. i love you, and you’re the reason why i still bother to survive.

and honestly i feel like why i’m not recovering as fast as i should is because i’m just not mentally healthy like ok i’m not physically v sick or anything but i feel very weak inside. i feel weaker than i usually am. and here i am still with the waterworks.

i’m fucking messed up i’m so so fucking sorry for being this way 😦 i’m very sorry to like everyone tbh like i’m just really sorry i mess up all the time and is practically useless and i fuck up more than i should :'(…

i’m sorry.

  • okay i honestly thought writing this post would make me feel way better but i’m just crying even more right now and i feel like i really need someone but at the same point of time i feel like i don’t want to burden anyone with my stupid idiotic worthless self so it’s okay i’ll just continue to be sad and cry it out

 

nana

 

 

 

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