losing; a relapse.

13.01.18

distant rather than near

yet the voices, loud and clear

confusion and fear

plays the mind, till the eyes tear.

what was this all about?

why the body so distraught?

despite battles physically fought

it was the mental self the demons sought

the depression devoured me at fourteen

the social anxiety overwhelmed me in the fifteen

the inferiority that grew at sixteen

the suicidal state of seventeen

there was a moment of recovery

but then the demons raged in fury

making the doctors in a hurry

because relapse, no longer a thought so blurry

backed against the wall

left with just a deafening call

and no one believing i was about to fall

so then, i lost it all.


nana

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perfect completion, complete perfection.

29.12.17

to perfectly complete each other, is completely perfect.

he’s everything she’s not. and she’s everything he’s never been.

she’s nerdy, and a sucker for cliché romance books. 

the last time he read was probably in kindergarten.

she hates anything horror. 

he loves anything that deals with the likes of Annabelle.

she’s book smart. 

he’s street smart.

she gets heartbroken. 

him, the heartbreaker.


together, they’re a hot mess.

but again, they keep each other sane. 

she sees through his bad boy demeanour.

he knows she’s not all good girl. 

little did they know

eventhough they are polar opposites,

they weren’t all too different

for they were made to love, 

and to be perfect,

together.


nana

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censored reality.

01.12.17

if you could choose,
between the beautiful lie
and the harsh truth,
what would it be?

if you get to pick,
a bed of roses
or the cold hard ground,
where would you lie?

if you need to decide,
between a fairytale
or an obstacled journey,
which path would you take?

and if you need to hear,
a sweet lie
or a censored reality,
what will you listen to?

i’m pretty certain most of us want the most beautiful things in life. but in our pursuit for what we want, have we made ourselves reject the reality of this life? the truth? in this world we tend to turn off at the mere sight of what is real. we choose to bask in fantasy. and when reality comes knocking, we censor it. we try to sugarcoat it. sure, it’s not exactly a lie, but it becomes a form of censored reality. in which when uncensored, becomes too hard to handle. so maybe it is time, for us to open our eyes and realise that the real truth isn’t just a bed of roses. because even roses have thorns. and if you lie down for too long you might just be pricked.

nana

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we still have tomorrow.

25.10.17

sometimes we run short of time
because it flies in your happy daze

but as it drags in your despair
an hour seems to last for days

then there’s those times you wish
that the day never had to end

because when night falls
we say goodbye to the other friend

and we could only hope
that time would let us rewind

for the twenty-four hours
couldn’t be enough for moments like ours

nevertheless don’t be in sorrows
as you can always believe in tomorrows


nana

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about you.

09.08.17

 

i talked to God about you

about your funny, weird self.

 

i talked to God about you

about your awkward, shy smiles.

 

i talked to God about you

about your rude, mean jokes.

 

i talked to God about you

about your sweet, caring side.

 

i talked to God about you

about your adorable, lovable babbles.

 

i talked to God about you

about your never-ending grumbles.

 

i talked to God about you

about your annoying, infuriating moments.

 

i talked to God about you

about your ‘sorry’s and ‘not good enough’s.

 

i talked to God about you

about your ‘love you’s and ‘fuck you’s and ‘miss you’s.

 

but honestly, i talked to God about you

because God gave me you.

and i wanted God to know

i’m keeping His gift, with lots of gratitude.

 

 

yana banana —  because this is a special one for you.

 

P.S: happy birthday sweetheart xoxo ♥

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a hundred days and more…

04.06.17

recovery.

it isn’t impossible, but it isn’t as easy either.

it takes more work than you think it would

and it’ll drain you more than you bear.

 

worth it.

it will all be worth the while in the end.

trust me, for i’ve been through it

from the start till the finish line, i’ve crossed it.

 

relapse.

probably the biggest enemy when you’re recovering.

the haunting voice and image of the whirlpool

that would suck you right back into your element of hurt and despair.

 

stay strong.

don’t give in, don’t give up.

trust yourself, more than the person you trust most

because you are the only one strong enough to pull yourself through your mess.

 

victory.

the reward of a long battle.

the fight within, when won, brings more triumph

than any other that you could ever experience in this world.

 

 

this post is dedicated to all those who suffer from the internal battles that you have to fight with every single day. you are stronger than you think you are. you can win this. even if you relapse, or go back to your old habits, never lose hope because one day, you will win the war within. always love yourself – bleeding wounds, scars and all. you are beautiful in every way and you deserve all the love there is so don’t let anyone dictate it otherwise. and when you walk down that road to recovery, trust in your decision and that you have made a choice that would be worth it.

trust me, i’ve been there. i’ve been with people who thought loving me was impossible just because i had scars on my wrist. but i’ve also been with friends who constantly support and cheer me on towards recovery. i’ve heard of all the things people could say…but even they do not realise that they have to walk down their own roads of recovery. i made my choice to not let my battles overpower me, to not let my mind be clouded with thoughts that only serve to harm me endlessly. and it’s been the reason why i’m still here now. because my choice made me stronger than i was.

each and every one of us is strong in our own ways, even with a weak heart and all. you can, and you will, win this war.

love yourself xx

 

nana

[P.S: it’s been 100 days/++ of being ‘clean’ for me without any relapses, hence the title (:]

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why sadness, why?

09.05.17

honestly i’m just so so sad and i’ve been crying so much lately.

((i’m crying as i write this tbh)) and i don’t even know why but i’m too tired to care anymore so might as well let my tears fall freely. let my heart ache as much as it wills. let me drown in my sorrows.

why am i even sad?

i feel so dejected and broken and just inadequate.

i’ve been feeling so fucking insecure for a very long time, but it’s getting really worse day by day now and i can just feel it so strongly.

maybe i’m just not good enough for this world.

i’m so tired, so moody, so angst. in front of everyone, i smile like everything’s fine, i laugh like i mean it and i just, hide everything. hold it all together, right? but today was just horrible. it’s just so bad like i can’t even explain why i feel so fucking sad inside ((which is also why i chose to leave school v early and not stay to do any work))…

and yes i get home and just drown myself in these horrible feelings and just…wallow.

but today was not a good day at all. if i’m sad to the extent that it made me want to cut again like how i used to ((ages ago, i’ve been clean for a long while now)), it’s bad. it’s real bad. slowly shunning everyone away from me and like yeah some of you may realise that i’m pushing you away and if you just leave me tbh it’s okay, i get it.

but to those of you who could tolerate my “fuck you”s and “get the fuck away from me”s and still be there for me and ask me if i’m okay, thank you. i love you, and you’re the reason why i still bother to survive.

and honestly i feel like why i’m not recovering as fast as i should is because i’m just not mentally healthy like ok i’m not physically v sick or anything but i feel very weak inside. i feel weaker than i usually am. and here i am still with the waterworks.

i’m fucking messed up i’m so so fucking sorry for being this way 😦 i’m very sorry to like everyone tbh like i’m just really sorry i mess up all the time and is practically useless and i fuck up more than i should :'(…

i’m sorry.

  • okay i honestly thought writing this post would make me feel way better but i’m just crying even more right now and i feel like i really need someone but at the same point of time i feel like i don’t want to burden anyone with my stupid idiotic worthless self so it’s okay i’ll just continue to be sad and cry it out

 

nana

 

 

 

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